Friday Wind Up

Friday Already?

Seriously, where did this week go?  I was planning out my week and it is Friday already.  I had a couple of things that I wanted to post about throughout the week BUT I procrastinated the week away.  It has been cold, wet, and windy.  That is a brief but accurate summary of this week.

I had to go to my neurologist for a check up/in, I guess that is going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.  I am not sure if I will ever be able to be free from doctors.  I certainly never thought that I would be disabled.  It still does not seem real and now I can't imagine what it was like to live my old life.   What my life would be like?  What if? What if?  If I had not had surgery, if I was working at my job, getting to travel and working in different parts of the country.  I would eventually traveled outside the states as my kids became older, I never did before because of the length of time that was required to travel to the Philippines.  They required you to stay for at least a month due to the expense of tickets.

 BUT all of that changed. Quickly.

You never know when or how that life changing event will happen and the most important thing is how you adapt to come out on the other side.  Me, well I struggled, yes struggled like hell and  I had some dark, dark days during my chain of events. I jokingly laughed with  friends that one day I would just wake up old.  I never felt my age, I never felt like I was 30 or even 40!  I damn sure never expected that morning to happen so soon.

My problem started with my back & I believe can be contributed to living an active life style. "My head has worn out three or four good bodies."  another infamous quote of mine. I always pushed myself  to the extreme with working out, back packing, biking, or just working in general.  I push mowed yards, ran weed eaters and I always worked hard.  I worked like a man on our house and land.  I moved our apartment into our house  after I remodeled the house, all of this while my man was out of town.  I was also guilty of self medicating to get the work done.  I loved to take truck stop speed (or whatever) to keep me on task and working longer.  I know that was probably a big contributor to the issues that I have now...never knowing when to quit.

So here is the whole sad story in a Reader's Digest version...
I went to the doctor with complaints of numbness, tingling, and constant pain in my hip, leg, and down into my right foot.  I often needed to stop on the interstate and get out walk around my car to get the feeling back into my foot.  The pain would be unbearable at night.  Dr. Newton sent me to the hospital for

x-rays and called me the next day to tell me in her Jamaican voice "I am not sure what is wrong with your back but it is a mess" and she had an appointment with a specialist scheduled.   That was how my event began and the rest is a blur of surgery after surgery and more pain than anyone should endure in a lifetime.  EVER!

In six months time my  life changed and everything as I knew it flipped-flopped.   I have a new understanding of depression, feeling out of control or no control of my life or anything surrounding it.  I have a new appreciation  for people who suck it up and carry on.  I laid down, gave up, and cried myself to sleep several days.

I made it through the one of toughest times in my life.  I know t is it going to be an ongoing challenge, the future is not the brightest outlook.  I have issues with the hardware in my spine.  It is broken and I have a couple of herniated disc now, but the real problem is my body.  It has been on the defensive and continues to  produce massive amounts of scar tissue.  That is only part of the problem, I also have inoperable bone spurs that put pressure on nerves  required to walk and  it is painful to put one foot in front of the other...some days impossible,   The best advice from my doctor was to do whatever I felt like I could do, I know my pain, I know my limitations.  Do it now because there will be a time that you will not be able.  I remind myself everyday.

 I am here and I am alive. I thank God for everyday and try not to waste my time.

I am changed.